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Which Country Is Best?

 

During a joint exercise between American, British, and Australian

forces, the three commanders get into an argument, naturally, about

whose forces are best. The American General says,

"My men are the best because they are so brave. PRIVATE!" A young

Private comes over, salutes, and stands at attention. The American

General says, "Boy, you see that tank coming down the road? I want you

to stand infront of it and get run over." The Private nods and stands in

the road. SQUISH! He gets run over. The British General shakes his head

and says,

"Nah, that's nothing. PRIVATE!" A young Private comes over, salutes,

and stands at attention. The British General says, "Lad, you see that

plane over there? Go get in it, go up to 10,000 feet, and jump out.

Without a parachute." The private nods and gets in the plane. SPLAT! All

over the ground. The Australian General laughs and says,

"No, no, no, that's nothing. watch. PRIVATE!" A young Private comes

over, salutes, and stands at attention. The Australian General says,

"Mate, see that cliff over there? I want you to go jump off it." The

Private shakes his head and says,

"Ah, f*** you, sir!" The Australian looks at the others and goes,

"See? Now that's brave!"

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The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:

 

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

 

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

 

Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

 

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.

 

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

 

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

 

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.

 

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

 

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.

 

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

 

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

 

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

 

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

 

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

 

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

 

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

 

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.

 

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.

 

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.

 

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

 

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

 

Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

 

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

 

CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.

 

Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.

 

Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.

 

Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.

 

Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, cant do it because snake is on the endangered species list.

 

Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.

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An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit."

 

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"

 

A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."

 

A Force Recon Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit. "

 

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?"

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Uncle Bob

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

 

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket an the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

 

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

 

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

 

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

 

"That's a fine story Lucy," she continued. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

 

"Yes ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with with the machete till the blade broke and then kill the last ten with his bare hands."

 

"Good heavens," said the teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you

from that horrible story?"

 

"Don't f*** with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

 

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Alligator Shoes

 

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

 

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

 

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

 

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

 

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

 

 

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