Still living at home and expecting to inherit a fortune when his father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over $20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Robert that night, and four days later she became his stepmother.
Men will never learn.
=================
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.
"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue..."
===================
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The Father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boys testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying,"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"No," replied the woman. "Divorce attorney."
===============
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.!
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
=====================
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
Small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who ask s, 'What may we do for
You my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and
tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the
large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, SINNER.
========================================
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
=================
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and
floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and
the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses
Carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality
and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery
and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time
ago..'
'And what about the third rose ?'
she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you
for his new ears.'
================================
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets
into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like
Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more.. . He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his Frigging Widow.
===============
Subject: : UCLA Study
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, during her period or if she is menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
